Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
You Might Also Like
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
estão todos miauvindo?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”