“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
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It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Waiting for the Charmin
Bringing home a sharpie
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end