Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
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Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob