You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
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me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*