So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
You Might Also Like
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Time heals everything 🙂
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids