starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
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Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
she has a point
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?