a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
You Might Also Like
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
🤣🤣🤣
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris