[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
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You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[eats all your cotton candy]
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.