I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
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ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad