So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
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Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”