Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
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“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
live long and prosper!
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
next level snooze
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.