Are kids ever okay at all?😂
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Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Potatoes were such a good idea
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf