After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
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2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Something Saturday.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
the #horror is real!
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.