My daughter insisted her new preschool teacher’s name was Mr. Penis. We argued over it until one day we finally saw it in writing.
Ms. Derpanis. Her name was Ms. Derpanis.
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Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My neck, my back, my…
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.