Best seat on the street 😍
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IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I’m having an out of money experience.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same