Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
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This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
me in a relationship:
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
First dates are like two people pretending they didn’t Google each other while secretly wondering “who’s paying for this shit”