hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
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I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs