I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
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Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
*weighs self after shaving
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge