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My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
*performs CPR on the turkey*
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues