I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
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Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
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