I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
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But is it really??
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
We all have our pet causes.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!