I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
You Might Also Like
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)