Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
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Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Thursday
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️