Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
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Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.