Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
You Might Also Like
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
*me flirting
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER