Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
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[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
do horses think humans are hats
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.