Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
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I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts