Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
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My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em