My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
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I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn鈥檛 do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can鈥檛 do his maths homework
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My grandpa fought in Vietnam. Not the war, he went there in 2014 and is really confrontational
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there鈥檚 a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what鈥檚 the good news
me: i found waldo
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
*wakes up in bed with horse鈥檚 head, hits snooze button*
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I think of Pinterest as Onlyfans for people who are really, really into soft furnishings.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it鈥檚 not your wife and you鈥檙e at the Waffle House drunk again.