one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
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Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Bread puns are on the rise!
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
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“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
me hooking up with my ex
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All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods