*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
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Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
that de-escalated quickly
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Monday?
No. Next question.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Just a boop… with a sledgehammer