This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
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I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
They’re called werewolves.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.