Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
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*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Big Sex has us all fooled
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows