Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
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Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.