Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
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the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
describing stardew valley
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Wikigenius
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”