Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
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Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
This checks out
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.