I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
You Might Also Like
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.