Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
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This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Happy thanksgiving
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
why I oughta
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”