🚲+physics = winner
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Wednesday
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Don’t make me out nice you.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO