Human are so complicated
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Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
not for long
This 4th of July, please remember…
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
We cut our bangs at dawn.