🚲+physics = winner
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Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.