Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
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Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
new wife guy just dropped
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
💁🏻♂️
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’