I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
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Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.