peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
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My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Childbirth is so beautiful