This woman is my idol. Free her.
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My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]