[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
You Might Also Like
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff