Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
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JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
yall want some gasoline milk
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.