I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
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Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.