A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
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FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness