The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
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[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Name another movie that mislead you?